will my thought seeds bloom or wither away?

I think. Too much, too often, too deep. 

I care. Too much, too often, too deep.

I love. Too much, too often, too deep.

I feel. Too much, too often, too deep.

There is too much of it. Too much and I feel like I am being consumed by all that I give away. 

What will be left of me if I keep on going this way?

While others patiently move forward and leave me behind

I sit 

and mourn

the place they used to take up in my life.

We, as a society, seem to move on so quickly from things. 

Away we go from everything that once made us smile, that once meant a lot to us.

I might be one to blame from my incapacity to just... let go so easily. To mourn a couple of weeks and then be over it.

I wish that I could just naturally detach myself from things that happened to me, from people that are slowly, but surely pulling away, forgetting about me... I do think that I impact lives, so why am I still so easy to replace, to put away as something that was just a faint memory? 

I envy the ones that function normally, that do not crash out at the littlest inconvenience, that can be so, so consistent with their work, their goals, their whole beings and purposes.

They do not know how much of a privilege that is. How much of a privilege it is to actually be capable of doing all of those things and not carry the dread of losing it.

I wish that I could hold on longer to the things that actually matter to me, to the goals and things I wish to pursue. I wish that I could avoid crumbling down as easily as I do. 

For I am a very big feeler, but what does that help me with in a world in which feeling deeply is the most naive, most self-sabotaging thing anyone can do? To feel in a world driven by robotic figures is just like being the black sheep in a family, just like being the odd one out, just like planting a seed of something that has no place, whatsoever, next to the other ones. 

How could a seed even grow in a place it isn't even supposed to be in? How could it do anything but be overshadowed, anything but wither away under societal pressures and expectations? 

My sensibility, my overthinking, my ways of caring just a bit too much about the things that are seen as quite secondary at best in this world of ours... how am I even supposed to make a living for myself in such circumstances?